The Dark Horse

I swear I blinked and all of a sudden, like a massive open hand to the face, reality smacked me.  I am 29 years old.  I am by no means saying I am over the hill.  I feel fantastic, living a full, busy, and eventful life.  I am lucky to have so many great stories to tell, and those that know me will attest - once I get started - even the break of dawn won't stop this tongue from flapping tales.  But man, I'll tell ya - knocking on the doorsteps of 30 is a funny thing. 

I remember elementary school, collared shirt and maroon tie, soaking up the word of the Lord.

I remember junior high, searching for that balance between Catholic morality, change, and boobs.

I remember high school, driving a beat up orange car, leaving my morals at home, and falling in love.

After high school is when things changed for me, as they do for most.  What's odd is that the next eight years blended together so much, that I only remember events, but not exactly when they were, or everything that happened.  I refer to 18-26 as the "lost years."  I can't disregard these years, as they helped shape and motivate me to be the man I am today.  Believe you me, I may not remember everything, but I damn well know I enjoyed it.  There will always be an ache in my soul for those I hurt, those I lost, and for those that will never know the Shaun of now, but the Shaun of then.  But hey, no regrets.

I have learned so much, and come such a long way.  I am as confident as ever and still push for great things to come of myself. I was put here to exceed expectations.  If you ever hear me say otherwise, I will welcome that open hand to the face. 

So now, I see what I am rounding out to be, and to me - its something special.  I hope everyone can find that in themselves, at the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. 

30 doesn't scare me like I always thought it would, maybe cause it won't happen till March. :)

The fire burns bright.

A Man With No Cause

A man with no cause
Has lost his paws
Has gloved his love
Bites his jaw-
Dawn drifts away
No more today
The night lacking light
Leaves him frayed.
Skin down to bone
Cant heal alone
Beat from the feats
Words just roam-
Eyes leave him blind
evil was kind
Turn to stone lost a home
Lost a mind.

A man with no cause
Robbed of his laws
Remain in the vein
Couples flaws.
Direction be skewed
Pieces for few
Left to collect
Start anew.
Touch but a ghost
Of memories most
The cold of the hills
Now will host.
Shouts valley cast
Echo with mass
The wind cleans the sin
Free at last.

Respect

Respect is something you are not entitled to.  So why does it seem everyone thinks that it should be graced upon them, much like the gift of life?  Sure, I know, not everyone is such a dick.  Fact is though, most people are.  Certain people prance around like they are hot shit and the world can't touch them.  Do you think you are invincible?  You will die and be dust just like every other living thing on this planet.  No one is high and mighty.  We are all self aware biological organisms roaming around a terrain of emotion and physicality.  Self awareness is a gift that most people take for granted.  Being mindful of our thoughts is, for some unknown reason, fading to the back burner.  All a person needs is a manipulative motif, a sly tongue, and some sort of physical stock to "play the game."  I guess being real is old school, but I will rep that style till the day I stop walking this green Earth.  This material world has tipped the balance of the just, and its starting to make me sad (take your break from reading here to check your Facebook, Twitter, texts) and frankly annoyed.  I know this freight train of materiality cannot be stopped, and yeah I embrace it.  I hope everyone can see how different people act now because of it.  Fast forward back to the present here on May 6th, 2012 and I've had it.  I have decided that animosity is worthless unless you tell the person its directed towards, that it exists.  Expect more of that out of me in the future.  Expect that I will no longer hand out respect like a flyer for a local show.  Expect more of me entertaining myself, and a lot less of me entertaining you.  There is just no point, especially when some people, show zero respect to me in return.  I am not entitled to anything. What I do have, I have earned it, maintained it, and respect it.  I was given life and stumbled through it.  Now, here I am, a disrespected respectable man. 

"Disillusioned words like bullets bark
as human gods aim for their mark
made everything from toy guns that spark
to flesh-colored Christs that glow in the dark
Its easy to see without looking to far that not much is really sacred."

February Showers

The curtains are a bit dreary, but through them I can hear the rain falling within the trees.  Another late night attempting to focus on what matters now less on the big picture.  The two are directly related, yet both seem to lie on opposite poles of my mind.  Didn't John Lennon say that life is what happens when you're busy making other plans? I lose my thoughts in my words, and my words in my thoughts.  The things I crave can only be attained through work and attention to what matters.  It's quite the concept - its simplicity and glaring truth.  I have but now to regain the focus I need, to break through the ceiling, and say that I steered this ship to the best of my ability.  I feel so clever and confused, full of confidence and doubt, ease and worry, all at once.  A crackpot? Nah, just a see-sawing guy who weighs things with multiple scales.  Clarity in what I want, what I need, and what makes me happy will fuel the progress.  Mind over matter, but not what matters.

Only I Can

As New Year's Eve approaches, many across the globe have a view of change, turning the page, and making amends with the wrongs in their lives.  Some see January 1st as a rebirth.  What many fail to recognize is that a new year doesn't change yourself, others, and all the situations and struggles that we lie in each night as we sleep.  Now, over a week into 2012, nothing is new and fresh.  How do so many get fooled every year over the changing of the calendar year? The only catalyst for change is that within our individual selves.  Only I can remove the rubbish from my life.  Only I can find the good and embrace it.  Only I can set in motion the changes that I wish in order to be a happy man.  At times of trial, we search for answers. We turn to those that we value, yet devalue their opinions.  We search for advice, yet the only words taken to stock are the ones that we emotionally agree with.  In the end, we do what we want, regardless of the outcome.  I hope one day I can be less of a novel character and more of a man of movement.  Only I can make this happen.  Only I can allow this to happen.  Only I can make my reality worth while.  Only I can trim the demons. Only I can be me.